Oh, it’s not over yet!

December 7, 2011

So the mister and I went to the courthouse for a marriage license today.

Many shenanigans ensued when the mister could not remember his SSN, ventured a guess, and then we drove home to find his card just to make sure – he was not even close, and I am glad I will not be married to whatever stranger is attached to said number.

Anyhooooo…after filling in the form in which the MAN and WOMAN headings were literally the biggest text on the page (lest we forget that Texas is into state-sanctioned homophobia – good thing they reminded me! I might have otherwise made the *terrible mistake* of marrying a lady!), the clerk prints out the license and asks us to verify that our names are spelled correctly. I tell her they are, except for down here at the bottom where it reads:

Mr. & Mrs. His Full Name
123 Our House
Our City, TX 12345

Excuse me? I tell her that isn’t my name, that I am not going to be “Mrs. His Full Name”. I am Dr. Magpie My Name and that I will remain so after we are married.

She explains that it’s nothing official, that my name won’t be automatically changed or anything, but she can’t change this section on the form because it’s the only way the State of Texas will accept it, so that they will know who to mail the marriage certificate to.

They won’t even mail my own marriage certificate to ME!?!?!? Nope, no need to do that, I’ve just signed away my own identity to become the mister’s appendage. I’m a non-entity, and non-entities don’t get mail.


She then told us that we could go upstairs and find a judge to marry us right then if we wanted – apparently they routinely waive the 72h waiting period even though the website says that’s for imminent deployment and other extenuating circumstances.

We did not because the cat had a vet appointment in 45 minutes: priorities!

But I’m also probably going to need a few days to cool down after that horseshit.

What is this, the 19th century??? 

I’m becoming increasingly certain that the “mandatory” 72h waiting period is not there for ill-suited-to-one-another horny teenagers to cool off before deciding to go through with it, it’s to give enraged women whose identities have been thrown away by the state enough time to cool off sufficiently so they don’t say, “FUCK THIS SHIT!!!” and walk out on their grooms to spite the patriarchy. If that’s true, a simple way to avoid the problem would be to not erase people’s identities by default…but then, this kind of thinking is probably why I am not and never will be governor of Texas.

I just feel so fucking impotent. What could I do except say “OK, if you say so”? I mean, we’d already paid for it (you have to give them the check before they print it and the “Mr. & Mrs. His Appendage” bit does not appear except on the printed license). I wanted to shred the paper into tiny little pieces, shove it all in my mouth, and then spew it all over the office. But if I did that they would probably decide that I was mentally unfit to consent to this marriage and then where would I be? Out the $72 and committed, probably. Fuckers.

I am so furious. If the certificate they send us in the mail says “Mr. & Mrs. His Full Name” anywhere but the envelope I will probably cry. I mean, that could be ANY WOMAN. As far as Texas is concerned, his ex-wife, myself, and any future wives are all interchangeable? ASSHOLES.


10 Responses to “Oh, it’s not over yet!”

  1. Lauren said

    Remind me never to piss you off….

  2. Magpie said

    Impotent rage is best vented via much profanity and blustering. Because there is little else one can do.

    • Lauren said

      I know. You’re right that it really is stupid. All the same, remind me never to piss you off…. 😉

      • Magpie said

        Don’t you worry Lauren. I have never been this angry at a real human being – it’s just not possible: people are flawed and complicated and deserving of patience.

        Governments are also flawed and complicated, but also often deliberately bigoted and obstructionist and therefore not particularly deserving of patience.

        I’m usually pretty good at compartmentalizing these things…though I forget sometimes that I am not so anonymous on this blog as I am used to being online. This is not a side of me that most people see in real life (fortunately, I guess) and I am accustomed to letting loose with this kind of frustration while writing under a pseudonym. But it’s different when people know the real you attached to the name…sorry if I freaked you out! I’m not so rabid as it seems here, really! 😉

  3. The government of Texas is a bunch of ass hats. Apparently the MAN and WOMAN portion of the form in Washington was smaller than the average text, as the lovely government worker put Kamel as bride and me as groom on our forms. 😛

    Stupidity for everrryyyoonnneee!

  4. Catherine said

    I kept my name too. One of my friends calls me by his name to wind me up, another (who was really cool in uni) expressed her shock and hoped I wasn’t going to turn into Germaine Greer. It’s all a bit… disappointing.

    • Magpie said

      Awww, I’m sorry. It’s always so strange and sad to me when women get chastised for holding onto their identities, or are scolded for being a feminist (I mean, really?). One of my friend’s husbands, who is generally a fairly progressive sort of guy, made some comment to the effect of: “Oh! You’re not a feminist are you?!” like it was some kind of dirty word. “Um, well, yeah….aren’t you?” Super weird.

  5. Bloody hell, When we got our licence the registrar told me they ask the women in first because the man usually pays for it. Obviously women don’t make money and we are only marrying for all the monies.

    I’ve still not changed my name although my husband has. I quite like that I’m still a Miss/Dr because I still am stupid anarchic rules.

    (P.S. Hello! Found you via APW hi! Your Pony Farm-ness made me giggle).

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